The Wall

Life with Jesus, in its essence, is simple. "For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it." (Matthew 18:25) Fleshed out practically though, is difficult. And the last 18 months for me, give or take, have been difficult. There have been good and wonderful days and moments, yes. But God has seemed far and more often than not, the Word seems like just words, and I feel like my prayers hit the ceiling. What I know to be true in my mind, doesn't change how I feel. And I think this process of preparing to move to Spain has brought some of that to a head recently.

I picked up Emotionally Healthy Spirituality (by Pete Scazzero) and started reading it again. Chapter 6 "The Journey Through the Wall" met me right where I am at.

For most of us the Wall appears through a crisis that turns our world upside down. It comes, perhaps, through [divorce, loss, betrayal, a disillusioning experience, a shattered dream, a deep desire to marry that remains unfulfilled], a dryness or loss of joy in our relationship with God. We question ourselves, God, the church. We discover for the first time that our faith does not appear to "work". We have more questions than answers as the very foundation of our life feels like it is on the line. We don't know where God is, what he is doing, where he is going, how he is getting us there or when this will be over.

On a certain level it is correct to say that Walls come to us in various ways throughout our lifetimes... Unintentionally and unknowingly we fall back into imperfections. Bad habits are like living roots that return. These roots must be dug away and cleared from the garden of our soul... This requires the direct intervention of God.

Without an understanding of the Wall in the journey, however, countless sincere followers of Christ stagnate there and no longer move forward with God's purpose for their lives. Some of us hide behind faith to flee the pain of our lives rather than trust God to transform us through it. We utter platitudes like "God uses all things for good". We smile and sing contemporary praise songs about our victory in Jesus. We don't curse or get bitter toward God. We keep it together to demonstrate to the weaker members of the body and the watching world that our faith is solid and strong... [but] emotionally healthy faith admits the following:

• I am bewildered
• I don't know what God is doing right now
• I am hurt
• I am angry
• Yes, this is a mystery
• I am very sad right now
• O God, why have you forsaken me?

How do we know we are in "the dark night"? Our good feelings of God's presence evaporate. We feel the door of heaven has been shut as we pray. Darkness, helplessness, weariness, a sense of failure or defeat, barrenness, emptiness, dryness descend upon us. The Christian disciplines that have served us up to this time "no longer work". We can't see what God is doing and we see little visible fruit in our lives.

St. John (of the Cross) wrote: "[God] is purging the soul, annihilating it, emptying it or consuming in it all of the affections and imperfect habits which it has contracted its whole life... These are deeply rooted in the substance of the soul... At the same time, it is God who is...working here in the soul."

The critical issue on the journey with God is not "Am I happy?" but "Am I free? Am I growing in the freedom God gave me?" The Wall, more than anything else, cuts off our attachments to who we think we ought to be, or who we falsely think we are. Layers of our counterfeit self are shed. Something truer, that is Christ in and through us, slowly emerges.

I am so very much in process here, and not an easy one. Parts of myself, some of my dreams and deep desires have to die. My heart resonates with the fact that "God is purging the soul...of the affections and imperfect habits..." And that takes time, and tears, and the determination to believe that not matter how I feel, the best thing is that I go straight through it, and the One who is leading me is the One who give me His life in return. He is the One who redeems and restores, but first He must refine.

You Will Be OK, I Promise.

Sometimes I feel the way I think you feel right now.
I used to feel it pretty often.
It felt like all the time.
But now, I look back at all the really bad days
and I just can’t help but smile
at all the great days in between

And I know it doesn’t make a difference

or make anything better right now

Just know that things do get better

They always do

They have to

If for no other reason than to give us some place real high to fall from
Some place real high up.
Some place to bounce back to.
Because we do bounce back.

So stand up and go outside

And feel the warm sun on your face.

-Eric Victorino

bedtime

“People, even more than things,

have to be restored, renewed, revived,

reclaimed, and redeemed;

never throw out anyone.”

—Audrey Hepburn

the bahama-mama's

when Joy was home, ALL SEVEN OF US got together, which was somewhat miraculous. and i'm not sure when we'll all be together again like this. {when we take our cruise to the Bahamas...as empty-nest, elderly, retirees...but seriously...}

i love the laughter and happiness there is when we're together. and also how easy it is. no mater how long it's been, we can just pick up where we left off.

5 of the 7 of us have lived together at some point.

these girls have been a huge part of my life and growth for the past 10 years {and in Carrie's case...oh boy...15 years?}

i am so thankful.

adventures in gardening

in case you missed it, i love the garden. it has been a fun project and... since it's all a bit trial and error we've had some funny moments. including this little guy. he was in my seed tray...which i apparently got a little mixed up because when we planted it i thought it was a cucumber. clearly it is not. and when it was small and round and green and striped... i thought "oh! watermelon!"

wrong again. cantaloupe. :)

yesterday

this was, more or less, my {work} day yesterday...

amiah said to me "ash do you want some help? i could shuffle the corn! i'm really good at shuffling corn!" :) so she shucked about half the corn until she was tired of having corn hairs all over her.

also, we snapped beans, made waffles and enjoyed being home

sometimes {all the time?} i think i'm a little crazy to leave this.

the homestead

i love being at my mom and dad's.

it's kind of weird to think about living there again soon...maybe because it makes leaving seem so real. so final.

i will miss my family and my home so much in Spain.

{thanksgiving 2009}

{summer 2010... amazing right??}

this is not a good picture of me. or Blake. like at all.

but for some reason, i love it.

pockets

i have the cutest friends.

and i love when we wear pocket skirts

:)

morning

I was at my parents this morning and I felt like it was those early morning scenes in Pride and Prejudice where it's misty and the sun is coming up with no wind, birds chirping and the world is peaceful. It was lovely. Especially driving home at 7:30 with the warm sun pouring over the trees and fields of beans and corn. I love mornings.

soap free

Earlier today Beth sent me an email with a link to an article about how to clean your hair without shampoo. http://simplemom.net/how-to-clean-your-hair-without-shampoo/ Now, if you know me at all, you know i have a tendency to dork out a bit about such things. I'm excited to give this a try! I clicked on a few of the links she sourced and a few more from those. Such amazing reviews from everyone who makes the switch. Not to mention, it would be nice to not have to worry about finding a shampoo and conditioner in Spain that I actually like and don't make my skin spaz out.

Probably more than a year ago I switched to Coconut Oil as my face moisturizer and i LOVE IT!!! I will never go back. Also recently I've started using apple cider vinegar as my toner and tea tree oil as needed for breakouts. So far, so good on those two as well. BUT I would really like to try this as well and hopefully eliminate the need for those other steps. :)

http://www.theoilcleansingmethod.com/

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quilts.

perfect for snuggling or a picnic

my grandma has made me a few and i love them.

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i share this trait with my mom, but almost anything in miniature makes me happy.

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vegetables

{also, how adorable is this?}

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I love and adore the fall. I love the crisp, cool weather after the hot and humid Nebraska summer. I love sleeping with the windows open again. I love the pumpkins and squash and Halloween. I love the fireplace. I love how the leaves change colors and I love crunching the extra crunchy ones on the sidewalk. I love wearing cardigans and scarves but not needing a coat yet. I love the way it smells and feels almost magical.

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apples! i love apples

its cloudy and i'm grumpy for no reason whatsoever.

maybe i should just spend some time at Hogwarts.

or just have an attitude adjustment.

or both.

this is the Kessler house.. to a T.

It is a risk to love.

What if it doesn’t work out?

Ah, but what if it does.

-Peter McWilliams

re-design... i think i like it. :)

also i added buttons. so you can like or love things... or say they are neat.

any other buttons i should add?

"The sweetness and generosity and politeness and gentleness and humanity of the French had shown me how lovely life can be if one takes time to be friendly."

-Julia Child

NZ

not in Europe... but i should go here too.

South Island, New Zealand

Photograph by Rob Blakers/Photo Library

Vines reach for the southern sky on a raised trellis system in the Marlborough region of New Zealand's South Island. Marlborough, the largest of the Kiwi wine districts, is world renowned for using white grapes like these to turn out remarkably crisp Sauvignon Blanc.

http://travel.nationalgeographic.com/travel/countries/vineyard-photos/#overhead-grape-vine-trellising_9131_600x450.jpg

cannot stop laughing at this...

Germany

i like when i find things that make me even more excited about living Europe...

perhaps i will make little trip to Germany.

Neuschwanstein, Germany

Photograph by George F. Mobley

from www.nationalgeographic.com

Commanding a view of the bluish-green Alpsee lake and girded by dark forests, King Ludwig’s fairy-tale marble castle Neuschwanstein rises from a lofty rock west of Hohenschwangau in Bavaria, Germany.

favorite.

remember how i wanted a polariod camera?

like reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally wanted a polariod camera?

well this is the Fuji Instax Camera and it's next best thing!

plus they still make film for it :)

so cute and fun!

Put that on the list of things i don't need

but reeeeeeeeeeeally wish i had before i moved to Spain :)

cute.

my mother and sister are gone allllll week.

i miss them already!

and i miss having that small one in my house!

but look at how cute they are on the bus!!

day of Griesers

last wednesday i got to have three dates in a row, one with Amiah to the Mill and to get our fingernails painted, one with Hudson for lunch at Chipotle, and one with Andrea over coffee. i love them all so much and it was such a wonderful day :)

for some reason Amiah was not in the mood to make any sort of normal pictures this day, so we ended up with some pretty hilarious and hillbilly ones.

i love this series of pictures of Hudson so much that i had to include all four :)

LOVE that smile. he is getting so. big.

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holding hands.

with friends. with family. with the kids.

but especially with one person in particular :)

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i know that cookies were #11 but i also love cookie dough.

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i know i wrote a post awhile back about hydrangea

but i don't think they've made it on the list yet

which they should.

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my parents.

they are the cutest and the best in the whole world

i love them so much.

thanks Roald Dahl

picnic, pie, homemade ice cream, fishing

happy monday.

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my fan

this summer i've become one of those people who always sleeps with their fan on.

{also, who DIDN'T love doing this as a kid? i have many fond memories of our un-air conditioned house in broken bow, with one of those big square fans in the living room window that we loved to go "ahhhhhhhh" and hear it vibrate off the fan blades}